IX.27.2021 - Criticism & Self-Esteem — A New Approach
Do you have a person or people in your life who makes you feel like you aren’t measuring up (and likely never will from their point of view)? Why do we listen to their gratuitous, negative feedback that is disguised as helpful advice?
I am a somewhat intense and committed professional, and it is in my nature to strive for harmony in relationships by trying to please everyone — all of the time. I know, I should have said that I am a little obsessive, as well, because pleasing everyone all of the time is not an achievable goal. But I do want positive influences and relationships in my life. I strive for civility and mutual caring in my personal life and it is also the way that I interact with my clients.
Generally, this approach has worked well for me. There is, however, one person in my life who will never acknowledge my skills or my achievements. She prefers to discount my work and, indirectly, highlight what she perceives as my flaws. After tolerating and internalizing her feedback for years, I now realize the toll that her behaviour has taken on my self-esteem. It’s important to note that this person is not someone I can simply expel from my life. But I can react differently to her caustic comments.
Hayley Ashworth (WikiJob) states, “Constructive criticism is a way of providing feedback. It gives recommendations on how to make improvements to your performance. Constructive criticism should be straightforward to implement. In the workplace, constructive criticism should be provided to support your career goals.” I would like to add that Ashworth is assuming that the person giving the constructive criticism is trying to be helpful. Negative, destructive feedback makes constructive criticism an oxymoron.
There is a story about a manager who took his employees to a bowling alley for a team building event. One employee had never bowled before, so the manager explained that the goal of the game was to roll a heavy ball down the alley and knock over as many of the 10 bowling pins as possible. The manager said that it was so easy that the employee could do it blindfolded. The rest of the team was cheering the employee on as the manager tied the blindfold, gave him a bowling ball, and led him to the lane. The employee rolled the ball straight down the alley and the crashing sound of falling pins soon followed. He was ecstatic as his team members cheered his successful debut. The manager removed the blindfold, pointed to the fallen pins and said, “You missed three.” That sums up how the person in my life delivers (un)constructive criticism.
Now, back to how I am reacting differently and letting go of my own negative self-talk. When experiencing unconstructive criticism, it’s important to ask specific questions to better understand how the person wants you to improve or do things differently. Once that person creates a clearer picture, you can accept, reject or tailor the changes to your work or behaviour. Sometimes unsolicited feedback is like encountering a big pile of manure behind the horse barn. Just smile and say to yourself, “There must be a pony in here somewhere.” There is no need to discuss it further or to internalize the feedback as a personal attack. Rachel Hollis says in her book, 
Didn’t See That Coming, “I am willing to be the villain in someone else’s story if it means I can be the hero of my own.” BTW, I love the person in my life who has been so critical, and my new approach has improved our relationship and my self-esteem.